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Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Posted by admin on January 7, 2013

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The level of one’s insanity is scary to think when you know so little about that person. The image of a slasher has gone through many transformations from a simple mama’s boy in Psycho to a bulking beast in Halloween. But all these guys are just men with kitchen knives. What about the ones who take their game to a higher level with bigger tools? By using a chainsaw or a lawnmower, they make their kills much messier and more gruesome. The feel of blood splashing on their bodies must arouse them in not only in a psychological matter, but a sexual matter as well. I propose this because the warm feeling of the gore has to be fulfilling that sick emotion makes their own heartbeat pump as fast as any other sexual being.

 The spattering blood must be a heartbeat for the character of Leatherface, the chainsaw dwelling maniac from the seventies horror hit, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Unlike many of the other slashers, this guy is based off of a real person, Ed Gain. He too would partake in playing with human remains for his sick rituals. I know very little about this franchise, but the new Texas Chainsaw 3D is the seventh and follows the original continuity.

I can already tell that the film is going to be bad by the opening credits. After an embarrassingly in your face title sequence, the credits go through parts of the original film, attempting to show that this is on the same par. The story opens up in 1973, right after the ending of the first movie with the sheriff at the Sawyer family home where the same killer is being held. The local rednecks arrive and burn the house down, killing every family member in progress. A couple finds a baby in the ashes and raises it as their own.

Cut to 2012 where the girl that should be in her late thirties is somehow a young twenty something (this makes no sense) named Heather Miller (played by Alexandra Daddario). She’s told from a lawyer that she’s inherited a house near Dallas. She and her friends decide to make a stop here on their way to New Orleans. Upon entering the house they eventually discover the basement with a steel door. Within the door lies an older Leatherface who has family ties. His first instinct is to kill and eat those that are violating his home of forty years. The rest of the film is basically 3D gore being splattered on your faces.

By biggest issue with Texas Chainsaw 3D is how awful the writing is. Not only are all the young characters, town rednecks, and sheriff stock horror people, but there are simply too many mistakes. First of all, if it’s supposed to be 2012, then how is Heather in her twenties? That’s never explained. Second, everyone keeps saying that the house is in the middle of nowhere, but it’s only a skip to the local Halloween fair (When Leatherface starts cutting the fence, how is nobody seeing or hearing this!).

A movie like Texas Chainsaw 3D is so stupid and useless; I would rather eat raw, bloody meat then to ever sit through this ever again. The 3D isn’t even that good. Most of the time, the image is obviously post converted, giving a curved look that appears awkward. Most of all, the movie relies too much on gore for the shock value. When the attempted scares aren’t working, then severed fingers must be scary, right? Wrong, it’s nothing but torture porn.

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I’ll give this half a rotten piece of beef out of five. If this is the worst of the year, at least I’ve gotten this over with. There

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