Scary Movie V
Let’s talk about Scary Movie. It was a satire of horror movies from the end of the nineties, mainly on Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. Does it even know that the Scream franchise is a parody itself? So I guess that Scary Movie can be called a parody of a parody. This was actually one of the first R rated movies I ever saw, having watched it at a friend’s house. It was actually my friend’s older brother who was watching it, and we thought we could be cool by joining in. I knew that what I was watching was inappropriate, but I got a kick out of it.
I find the original stupid, but funny. It’s one of those movies that I would watch when I was willing to laugh at the expense of losing intelligence. Then the second movie came out, and though it is a bad movie, I saw it as a guilty pleasure. But after that, the Waynes team left the franchise and it was put into the hands of the Zucker bunch, famous for the Airplane! and Naked Gun films. Scary Movie III and IV had some inspired jokes, but they were underwhelming. Then for a while, the franchise ceased to exist and I never thought that anyone was interested in going back. But I guess someone wanted to challenge themselves into making Scary Movie V as the worst.
Almost like A Haunted House, the film is a satire of Paranormal Activity. It opens with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan about to engage into some sex. What goes from sex almost becomes a Cirque Du Soleil act in a very confusing joke. They go from the bed to swinging on the sheets to inviting a clown and a lawn mower. You know your in for an unbearable experience when the first joke of Scary Movie V doesn’t even know if it wants to be racy or mainstream.
Both are killed off as the real story follows young couple Dan (played by Simon Rex) and Jody Sanders (played by Ashley Tisdale). Dan is about to take care of Charlie’s three kids that were found in the woods. So this is also a parody of Mama. At least it’s going for something more recent. What follows are other jokes about Black Swan, Cabin in the Woods, and even Rise of the Planet of the Apes because…why not. The rest of the movie is mostly dumb fart jokes and even some shocking racist material towards Mexicans.
I’m having a hard time saying more with why I hate this movie. The jokes are so bad, this makes the movie’s already short running time of an hour and twenty minutes feel like four. Scary Movie V tries every chance for a laugh or a giggle, yet not one came out of me. I felt board, even a stick in the mud as the thirteen year olds that were watching it were laughing up a riot.
First, why make jokes of Inception and Black Swan? It’s only been in theaters for a week, yet it feels dated. And even if you are going to go that route, YOU NEED TO TELL JOKES THAT MAKE SENSE! A bulimic that only eats one cheerio a day? A shot of a toy car driving to a cabin? A bunch of pool cleaning machines having a party and getting high? I just wanted it to end, but I figured out where the core issue is; everyone in the movie is aware that their in a comedy, and play it that way. What made Airplane! and The Naked Gun films work was that the main characters played their parts straight up serious as the rest of the world was wacky. But by keeping everything (human, tree, vegetable) wacky, it felt like I was watching a little kid scribble their crayon until there was nothing but a color-covered mess.
I’ll give this zero high pool cleaners out of five. After Scary Movie V, I took a shower. I took another shower. I took five showers. No matter how much I scrubbed myself, I could not get the stink of this movie off of me. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!